Loving Your Spouse Through Infertility

Focus on Love

February is the month of Love. I love a heart shaped craft and perking up an otherwise very gray month with splashes of pink and red.  February can also be a month for hurt feelings.  We’ve had our fair share of failed Valentines dates early on because I didn’t share what I expected.  (I’m looking at you fake flowers, and private table instead of the party buffet.  On one of our first valentines we went to a very fancy restaurant.  He reserved a private table, but there was a Valentine buffet where all the people and the action was.  Think Gilmore Girls where Jason takes Lorelei to the sushi restaurant and private room. We learned that I love to be around the action, but it was a disappointing date, that we both expected to go better.)

Disappointments

That Valentine’s Day helped us learn how to name our expectations and disappointments. It also helped us learn how to navigate stressful seasons. A season of infertility is slow and drawn out stress that can become all consuming. We’ve learned to be intentional in our relationship and navigate the years of waiting, while still living our actual lives.

Ideas to Stay Connected

After years of infertility, my hubby and I have found a few ways to stay connected with the underlying stress of infertility.

1. Let your spouse know what you are thinking.

Do you want a fancy date or night at home.  Are you feeling like getting away or splurging on a hotel just for fun? Dream and share together what would be fun and life giving.

2. Do something different.

(I’ve been known to priceline, pack our bags and surprise my love with a night away.)  We found out this year we love escape rooms.  We’ve gone to thrift stores and read the strangest books to each other.  Go to a food court. Live Music. Take a dance or art class. Try something new.

3. Set boundaries.

Don’t talk about infertility on the date.  Maybe you have a disagreement on how to move forward.  Maybe you really want to share your feelings.  Set aside time where you don’t talk about infertility and instead just focus on your spouse.  What made you connect on those first dates?  Go back to that.

4. Have questions ready for your date. 

One of my favorite things is when my hubby has questions prepared for our date.  What was your favorite food as a child?  What is your favorite movie quote? If you could meet any character from the Bible who would it be?

5. Remember together. 

Remember your honeymoon, or favorite dates. Talk about your wedding day.  Remember what made you fall in love and share it with each other.

6. Set aside time to talk about infertility related topics. 

We have Tuesday nights set aside as time to check in.  We know this is the time and space to talk about what is on our hearts and are prepared.  My hubby does better if he knows that I have something I want to talk about and can come prepared mentally.  For example, I could be researching acupuncture and come to him at lunch with all the reasons I think we should do acupuncture.  But he shuts down and thinks it is a bad idea.  Instead, I could research acupuncture and say, hey I’ve been looking into acupuncture, can we talk about it on Tuesday night?  From experience, I get much better results from option two.

7. Share entertainment. 

We both love watching the Great British Baking Show. He loves to read books about dead presidents.  I do not. But I enjoy listening to what he thinks about them. We both love talking about theology and are in a months long conversation about suffering and Calvinism.

8. Serve together. 

For 10 years we served in a local international ministry.  We love other cultures and serving together.  Find an area you can invest in others.  International students? Connecting weekly with your grandparents? Renovating houses? There are endless service opportunities. You will grow more in love together and for others.

9. I LOVE YOU. 

Don’t forget to tell your spouse you love them.  Even better throw in a thank you.  My hubby does the dishes and I am thankful everyday.  I get dishes rage when somehow the water ends up all over the front of my shirt every time.

10.We are on the same team.

We’ve had our share of disagreements on how to move forward. Acupuncture is a no (for now). But we are on the same team.  You are on the same team.  No matter the outcome, you are a family.  You matter to God and He cares about your hearts.

What are ways you connect with your spouse?  Leave a comment or send an email.  I’d love to hear.