Skipping Service
12 Ideas for Infertility and Father’s Day
Father’s Day is one of the two Sundays of the year I want to snuggle in bed all morning and not go to church. My husband and I both grew up in the church and attended weekly. We love church so much that we go on a Christmas Crawl and see how many services we can attend over Christmas (the most ever is 6!) We believe in the local church and attend even when we aren’t excited about going, but Mother’s and Father’s Day are always days we give ourselves a pass.
Church reminds me that I am a part of something greater.
I love corporate worship, seeing friends, and even hearing the sermon. It reminds me that I am part of a local and global movement of people who have decided to dedicate their lives following Jesus. I am part of a community that serves, gives, and loves deeply. Going to church centers our week and keeps our hearts turned toward Jesus. It’s a rhythm and reminds us we are a part of a community of believers.
However, Father’s Day is when the inclusive body of Christ becomes exclusive. Fathers are encouraged to stand up and be applauded. They are given gifts. Video montages of happy children and their fathers are played. The sermon is often “man up and be a good dad,” or “honor your dad”. For me, it was deeply painful to be in the place where our unmet prayers were celebrated for others.
When I was most strongly wrestling with infertility and faith going to church where Fathers were praised and encouraged to have more children because they are a blessing from the Lord, it was some of the most painful times in our infertility story. I didn’t want to worship when my husband was not a father even after we had prayed and pleaded with the Lord for a baby. In my mind, the Lord was the one who could allow us to have a baby and going to church to celebrate a good gift he gave others and not us was not something I wanted to do. And to be very honest, I hated that some men in the church were given gifts (bacon dipped in chocolate one year) while my husband got nothing. No child and no bacon.
Tips for Father’s Day while experiencing infertility.
Don’t go to church. Just don’t do it. Give yourself a pass. Stay in bed or get up and go for a walk.
Ask him the night before if he wants to talk about the day or ignore it. Let him decide and be open to conversation or respectful of not wanting to talk.
Skip the event with fertile family. If you have a family gathering find a way to excuse yourself and protect your hearts. Of course honor your father, but it could be with a card or gift the day before.
Write a note telling him what qualities you see in his life that encourage you.
Get out of town! Get a hotel and have a getaway.
Go to a movie.
Try making a new recipe at home together.
Try going on a new date. We’ve started going to escape rooms and found out we love them!
Go thrift shopping and find the most random item to make into date night. I’m looking at you breadmaker or Disney Karaoke machine.
Hang out with an international friend who is away from their family. Don’t have one? Connect with a local international student ministry in your area and make new friends. We loved our time serving with internationals who really didn’t care if we had kids and loved the time we spent together.
Join an infertility support group. Maybe this is the catalyst to join a group of women who understand the hurt behind Father’s Day
Talk to a girlfriend. Give your husband a break from fertility talk if this holiday is really something you need to process and talk to a girlfriend instead.
Buy some chocolate. Every hard day is better with chocolate.
If you are experiencing secondary infertility, like we are now, I think all the same things apply. Even though I have children I still dread going to church on Mother and Father’s Day.
Give yourself grace and feel free to share your mixed feelings with your spouse or friends.
