How to Talk to Your Kids About Miscarriage

Pine Trees in watercolor created by Diane Newcomer

My Miscarriage Story

When my oldest was two he told us all about his “100 brothers”.  He didn’t understand how to get a brother, but we prayed for baby to join our family.  Infertility is a part of our story, so there were no promises, but big hopes.

Now he’s 7 and has a brother, but wants more brothers. When we found out we were expecting baby number 3 we told him immediately.  His heart was hooked. We were all so excited. We came up with a nickname for the baby and started dreaming. It was an exciting time.   

Then it turned not so exciting when I miscarried.  Our youngest was still nursing and didn’t understand, but our oldest was invested.  He already loved the baby and the idea of a new member of the family.  We decided to tell him immediately that the baby died.  After the doctor’s appointment we stopped by our favorite restaurant for take-out and then went home to pick him up and go to the park.    He already loved the baby and the idea of a new member of the family. 

We all sat together under the pine trees and let him know that the baby died. 

We told him that he could talk to us anytime he wanted to and that we were sad.  Even when things happen that we don’t understand we can talk to Jesus about it and mom and dad were here too.  He was sad and played and we went home.

In the haze of grief I don’t remember much more about the event.  But he joined me crying on the couch snuggled up together in the days to come.  He talked about the baby when it came to his mind.  Maybe it was on a car ride, or at dinner, or while he was playing with his little brother.  We never told him to stop.  We always listened to his feelings and thanked him for sharing.

More than a year later, he talks about the baby wondering if the baby was a boy or a girl and sharing how he wishes they would have been born. Talking about the baby still resurfaces, because that’s how grief works. Grief is NOT something that happens only one time.

Talking about being sad about the baby still resurfaces in his heart, because that’s how grief works.

Grief is NOT something that happens only one time

It comes and goes with varying strength.  Stronger at the start, and softer over time.  But it still comes back for all of us.

Sometimes it hits me in the shower.  I don’t like walking past the baby isle in Target.  Or maybe I’m reminded of our loss when I’m cooking dinner.

Grief is unpredictable for us as adults and for our children as well.

Here are some of the ways we walked through grief with our son that helped bring about healing.

Ideas For Talking to Your Kids About Grief

1. Be honest

We were honest right away that the baby died and told him in a direct manner.  We didn’t hide it from him or refuse to talk to him about it.  We have a strong rule in our house that there are no secrets, so we let him know what happened.

2 . Use direct language

We didn’t use  phrases that might be softer but could be more confusing like “went to be with the Lord”.  We said the baby died and would not be coming.  We didn’t want any confusion in his mind about what happened.

3 . Let them know about mom’s body

We didn’t want him to worry about something happening to me when my body was not in danger.  In my case, I didn’t have any complications.  If I needed to have surgery or a hospital stay we would have said that.

4. Point them to Jesus

We shared with him that he could pray to Jesus any time.

Jesus is there for us when we mourn.  He is our comforter and wept over death. He loves us and wants to hear our hearts. 

Heaven is an abstract idea for kids. While it might give adults we decided to focused on Jesus instead of Heaven.

5. Keep the conversation open

This was one of the most important parts of healing for all our hearts.  We already have a house that is open to hearing how our children feel.  We made sure he knew that this was something he could talk about anytime.  He has talked about it whenever he is ready, and we have given opportunities to share.

6. It’s okay to cry

We let him know it was okay to cry.   Crying is uncomfortable.  We want to fix the problem.  But it’s important and healthy.  When my grandfather was 4 years old his mother died.  He was told not to cry because “big boys don’t cry.”  My grandfather could never cry the rest of his life.  Big boys do cry and we made sure he knew it was okay to cry.

It’s Hard

Figuring out how to parent is hard.

Death is hard.

Teaching our children how to rely on Jesus is hard.

If you are reading this trying to figure out how to talk to your child about miscarriage,

May Jesus meet you.

May He give you direction moving forward.

May the Holy Spirit comfort you in sorrow.

May God the father speak to your heart.

It’s my dream to have a children’s picture book for parents to read with their children after a miscarriage in the family.   I love children’s literature and picture books.  I love creating and I’d love for other families to have a resource to help during this difficult time.  It’s in the works, but for now I hope these ideas help as you walk with your children during the loss of your child.