Not Losing Your Faith through Infertility and Miscarriage
My favorite ancient mural Mosaic of the Deesis, 13th century, Hagia Sophia photograph by Diane Newcomer 2006
Some of my earliest memories are of my dad kneeling next to my bed praying with me before I went to sleep. This is how I learned the Lord’s Prayer and the Apostles Creed. My dad grew up Catholic and married my Protestant mother. I grew up protestant, but still learned the traditional dinner time prayer, Lord’s Prayers and Apostles Creed. I went to vacation Bible school, Bible Camp and memorized scripture as a child. As an adult I am thankful for the foundation of memorization of scripture and creeds.
When I didn’t want to pray or questioned my beliefs I relied on the truths passed down from generations past to guide me.
Have All the Questions and Feelings
I don’t shy away from questions or feelings. I have been known to say exactly what is on my mind. Which, thankfully, my husband appreciates because he doesn’t have to guess. My friends have come to expect my questions and I can tell people who don’t know me well are jarred by them. I’ve questioned out-loud several times where in the Bible it says that babies will go to Heaven. Blurted out that I don’t want to read my Bible and I’m bitter about what God has allowed to happen in my life. I don’t understand why suffering happens, bodies don’t work, and babies die.
I don’t feel the need to defend God by saying He must have a better plan for my life or a reason for what has happened.
I’ve wrestled with what I truly believe about death, and suffering and pain. And when I look to Christian books for answers they fall short. I’ve learned to shut the book or close the screen when I start hearing women tell me I need to have hope in infertility and hope in God. Because I can’t figure out tangibly what that really means and it makes me even madder.
Rely on What Has Been Passed Down
When I am questioning everything, I come back to the Apostles Creed. It reminds me exactly what I believe and what Christian have believed throughout the ages.
It is the essential list.
The non-negotiables.
If it is a secondary issue, then it’s not included.
When I can’t see up from down in grief and don’t want to open my Bible, I can will myself to say the Apostles Creed and tell myself what I believe.
When I don’t have a prayer because words don’t reach, I can say the Lord’s Prayer.
Sometimes emotions and feelings are great and sometimes they don’t hold up when we need them. I went to an Assemblies of God university and would consider myself a form of pentecostal. (My favorite term was Bapti-costal since I grew up Baptist.) While this faith tradition taught me so much about the Holy Spirit and involving your whole heart, the tradition isn’t complete for me. I need faith and the power of the Holy Spirit in my life, but I also need tradition and creeds when my faith is not present.
Remember Scripture
When Jesus was tempted after fasting for 40 days and nights, he did not rely on his own words. After each temptation his answer was scripture. He did not have a scroll with him. He had memorized the scriptures and had them ready in his heart when he was weak. (Jesus Is Tested in the Wilderness - Matthew 4: 1-17, Mark 1:12, 13, Luke 4: 1-13)
When you are struggling with what you believe about God make yourself to repeat the scriptures. If you didn’t grow up learning them, pick one and repeat it daily. Just once a day. When infertility digs deep and has you questioning why babies are not conceived or why babies die, will yourself to remember scripture that the Holy Spirit brings to mind. To make it even easier, the Lord’s Prayer is what Jesus taught his disciples and it is scripture.
In the days after my miscarriage I wanted nothing to do with reading the Bible. I didn’t want to open it. I was hurting with more questions than answers. But mostly just hurting. All I was able to do and choke out was the Lord’s Prayer and Apostles Creed each night while I rocked my youngest to bed. Just as my dad had prayed these over me, I continued to pass them down for my son and for myself.
You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to be in a place where you study your Bible or even open it daily. You don’t have to listen to Christian music or even have words to pray.
Say the Lord’s Prayer and remind yourself of what you believe in the Apostles Creed.
Be gentle and keep pressing forward until you are ready to read, and study and pray again.
The Lord’s Prayer
Our Father who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done
on earth, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us,
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Amen.
The Apostles Creed:
I believe in God,
the Father Almighty,
Creator of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ,
his only Son,
our Lord,
who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,
born of the Virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified,
died,
and was buried.
He descended into hell.
The third day he arose again from the dead.
He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
From thence he shall come to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the holy Catholic Church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and the life everlasting.
Amen.”
